13 April 2012

God's Good Slave Guide

Wheres the best place to shop for slaves?
Well, the best deals are to be found abroad. Enslaving foreigners is really the way to go.  Naturally, the idea of racial equality is frowned upon by the all-loving one.
From Leviticus 25:
"However, you may purchase male and female slaves from among the nations around you. You may also purchase the children of temporary residents who live among you, including those who have been born in your land."

How to get the most from your slaves?
It's perfectly ok to impregnate them or do what you like with them. They are only property after all. It's not like god made us all equal or anything silly like that.
More joy from Leviticus 25 :
"You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance."

What do you do if your slave stops working or develops a fault?
Just do what you normally do when things stop working properly - hit it.  But not so hard as you break it permanently, as that would just be unreasonable.
From Exodus 21:
 “And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.
But, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for the slave is his money.”
Does this guidance apply to slaves bought recently?
Are you worried that everyone's favourite bearded good guy, Mr J.Christ,  would disapprove of slavery? 
Fear not! 
From Ephesians 6:
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ."

Anyway, I am off to check my auctions on Ebay as I'm bidding on some very reasonably-priced slaves. It's a batch of ex-criminals from Saudi Arabia, all with one-hand missing, but otherwise totally unused.
Sounds perfect, as I've never liked buying secondhand goods anyway.


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